The Great Divide

This month I was scrolling through my social media and I came across a video of Savannah, a 12 year old, who came out in a church meeting. Her microphone was cut off as she was speaking. As I watched the video I could see she had been courageous and vulnerable and then her mic was turned off. That must have been a very painful experience. Then I read the comments and was full of dread and fear. The comments, naturally, were supporting Savannah, but it did not end there. The comments began attacking the church and the members of the Church where Savannah had been speaking. As I continued to read, I saw some members of the Church responding in such negative ways which simply was returning fire but, in a more offensive way. I really felt despair, the type where it seemed like there was no hope. I felt despair because I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and at that very moment, I was caught a crossfire coming from those who wanted to support Savannah and, at the same time, my fellow members were perpetuating that same hate in a cycle of anger. Savannah’s experience is most definitely more painful than my experience reading those comments, and I’m not trying to equate my pain to her pain. I’m simply communicating that this one instance, this one video, shows the divide, the pain, and the very nature of the division between the LGBTQ+ community and conservative religions like the one of which I am a part of.

I intend to prove that members of conservative faith groups and members of the LGBTQ+ community can live together in peace, mutual respect, and love for eachother, even if they disagree on specific doctrine such as marriage. Some of you on both sides are already shaking your heads as you read this sentence. But, I intend to prove you wrong, because if we cannot live together in peace and harmony, then we are signing the death warrant to our society. It is absolutely vital that we figure this issue out despite people’s mistakes, despite people’s hateful comments, and despite previous negative interactions. We can’t keep holding onto this hate between us because it will poison us. And as any other poison, if left in our society, it can kill us. The antidote is love. Dumbledore was right, love is always the answer. Does love involve agreeing on every single thing? No. What it entails, though, is a decision to set aside hatred and a decision to view the humanity of the opposing side. It entails an appreciation of their humanity and a desire for them to feel that appreciation. I will address my comments to both conservative religious groups and anyone who disagrees with the LGBTQ+ community and then I will turn my comments to the LGBTQ+ community itself.

I do not think of myself as a spokesperson for all religions or conservative groups. But I do believe that I understand the context of where religious people are coming from on this issue when it comes to conservative family values. I have studied religions for many years and have sought to understand people’s beliefs. I believe that the first step we all can take, and should take as members of conservative religious groups, is empathy. It must be understood and acknowledged that the LGBTQ+ community has been persecuted throughout history by people of conservative faiths and this persecution isn’t just limited to Christianity. It is found in any religion that believes that marriage should be between a man and a woman and that the family, in the traditional sense, is an integral part of God’s plan. The LGBTQ+ community has experienced name calling, offensive remarks, persecution, incarceration, hazing, bodily harm, and even death. This has occurred for hundreds of thousands of years. That is the context or the background when someone in the LGBTQ+ community begins talking about their pain and their hardships.

It is important to note this because not only is this historical fact, but it helps people understand where people are coming from and the pain they are trying to communicate to others who have not experienced similar things. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I am taught that I should love my neighbor as Jesus Christ would. I believe Jesus Christ does understand personal struggles, personal pains, personal experiences on top of historical context and cultural backgrounds. I am not claiming to be as understanding or perfect as Jesus Christ, but if He set an example of how I should love my neighbor, then part of it comes with understanding someone’s story. If we are able to understand that the LGBTQ+ community has suffered historically and even today, then it will help us be more aware of situations where we can make a difference in stopping the cycle of persecution against the LGBTQ+ community. If we can see where they are coming from and understand the historical and personal pain people have felt we will be able to better understand their feelings and be able to approach them with kindness and love.

The second thing we can do is reevaluate our language and our specific treatment of people in the LGBTQ+ community. For example, to use the word “gay” to describe negative situations or to use the word “queer” as an offensive slur is contributing to the problem, rather than making the situation better. Words matter, and how we use them impacts people’s lives. If we are using names people are identifying with as slurs, and as a way of making fun of a situation, then naturally, we are making fun of those people. Making fun of people is terrible. So, that would be my invitation, to remove those offensive labels from our vocabulary. You might start shaking your head and start talking about how political correctness is destroying society. But that is only an attempt to shield yourself from the pain of becoming a better person. Having a desire to be respectful is a good thing and if you find out that you are using language in an offensive manner, the thing every good Christian, Muslim, Jew etc. should do, is to be respectful and to love the person and to change how we use those words. The war on political correctness has been used for far too long as an excuse to be unkind. We can be clear and candid about our beliefs in respectful ways, but we do not need to be harsh or include offensive words in our vocabulary in our interactions with other people.

The third thing we can do is understand our doctrine in terms of sin and people. This is where it might get a little dicey with specific religious doctrine, but for the most part, most religions teach that we should love one another, even if someone sins. In my religion, the law of chastity is the governing commandment in regards to romantic and sexual relationships. It holds that marriage should be between a man and a woman and that sexual relationships should be reserved for when a man and a woman are legally and lawfully married. This applies to romantic relationships because the end goal for a romantic relationship should be marriage. Again, I reiterate my acknowledgement that not all religions agree on this, but I do believe I would be correct in saying that most conservative religions understand the law of chastity in this way. I believe when someone breaks God’s commandments, they sin, no matter which commandment it is. I sin, every day. That is also a commonly believed principle in conservative religions. Now what does that mean in regards to my interactions with people who live their lives differently than I do?

I have friends who break God’s commandments, varying from having sex before marriage to many other commandments. Yet, they are my best friends, and I love them. Why would it be different for the LGBTQ+ community? Why would I not love them even if they sin? One of my church leaders once said, “do not judge me because I sin differently than you.” I believe we are all imperfect human beings, and if I see someone else not living the way that God has asked all of us to live, that cannot be an excuse to love them less, because by default, that would mean that I am unlovable, because I have sinned as well. Actually not loving someone would be a sin… so I literally become sinful if I do not love people. So love people even if they sin. It is liberating to love people and to see their humanity.

In order for the LGBTQ+ community and members of conservative faiths to live in harmony and peace, even if we believe it is a sin to be married outside of a heterosexual relationship, we have to love people who are LGBTQ+. Regardless of the doctrine, and our adherence to it, we must love them. Now, some of you may be asking yourselves how to preach your religion even though your religion may hold commandments that people are not living. I would say it is by living your faith and still loving members of the LGBTQ+ community. I would encourage you to build friendships with people. Build relationships with people of different faith groups, of different backgrounds, and do not be afraid of people for having a different life than the one we have. I have friends who do things that I would not do, but I am still their friend and build relationships with them regardless of what they do without compromising my beliefs. There are appropriate times and places for us to talk about our religion, our beliefs, our practices, and appropriate ways to invite people to come and be a part of it.

The last thing is probably the hardest to do in a heated environment. Many of us have had harsh comments directed to us because of our beliefs. It is at that time where we need to extend grace and mercy. We need to react with love. That is what will counter any hate. When you see comments directed at your faith it is natural to feel attacked. Yet how you respond is what will reflect your inner adherence to your faith. If you react with anger it will only show that your faith is hateful. If you respond with love and empathy even if you disagree, your faith will have a better example to people and proof that your religion is loving.

I understand that many of you, as members of a religious group, feel attacked for what you believe. I have felt that too. It is not easy to be a member of a faith group in a world where everything changes with every generation. But, I believe we can be members of a faith and still be the most loving people on earth. It just takes a little more effort but it is worth it.

I would like to turn my comments to the LGBTQ+ community. I will begin with referring back to Savannah’s experience because I believe many of you would relate to her experience when it comes to religions. As mentioned above, Savannah was twelve years old at that time. That is really young. It would take immense courage for someone, who is not even a teenager, to step before a crowd and say anything at all, let alone come out. If you watched the video you probably would be shaking your head in outrage that her microphone was turned off during a vulnerable moment in her life. I am going to ask that even though you are probably reliving past experiences, past pain, past trauma, that you do a hard thing, and we set that aside for a moment, just a moment, so we can have a conversation about a way forward.

It is important to know that for us to have a society where the LGBTQ+ community will be an accepted part of our society, the LGBTQ+ community will have to show love and appreciation for members of conservative faiths. I am asking that you put aside that bad taste in your mouth as you are reading this already and give me a chance to explain.

On top of Savannah’s story, I will relate to you the story of one of my friends who also experienced very harsh comments for being lesbian. She has posted on social media a fact regarding the persecution of the LGBTQ+ community and someone replied with comments condemning her to hell or anyone like her. That is terrible. It disgusted me. So, I told that person who made hateful comments that throwing God’s commandments in people’s faces and telling them they will go to hell, isn’t His way of inviting people to come unto Him. Why am I telling you this story? It is to show you that though I may have certain beliefs that you disagree with me on, I am still capable of loving you, respecting you, and standing up for you without changing those beliefs that we disagree on. One of the most common phrases I hear, or requests or pleadings from the LGBTQ+ community, is that all you want is for us to accept you. Many of my friends in the LGBTQ+ community have told me that they don’t want me to change my religion or my doctrine in order for me to accept members of the LGBTQ+ community. But I have noticed that there are differences of opinions on what this means.

Savannah’s video is a perfect example. Many of you would see that video and say, “that is not accepting.” But I want to point out some things to consider when looking at religion and asking for acceptance. My religion is something that is part of me. It is part of who I am. In my view, God gives us commandments and I can choose to follow them or not, but I cannot dictate to God what those commandments should be. When Savannah was speaking, she actually spoke about loving one another, talking about her views as to how she is someone who is worth loving. I agree with all of that and so does my church. But, if you watch the full unedited video, the moment where her microphone was cut off, was when she started talking about how God did not want her to change and that she was perfect just the way that she was and that God did not expect her to stay out of a romantic relationship based on her sexual orientation. Savannah is loved perfectly by God just the way she is. There is no requirement to change or to be different or a level of perfection before God will love her. She is loved now, just the way she is and that is undisputed. The difference in doctrine is that she said that God did not expect her to stay out of a romantic relationship based on her sexual orientation. That is the exact opposite of what my religion teaches. The meeting she was speaking in is called a “fast and testimony meeting,” where anyone can get up and speak and give their witness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is not a moment for people to stand up and disagree with church doctrine or teach something that is different from church doctrine. Is there a way the church leaders should have handled it differently? I believe there is definitely an argument there. I do want to explain that it is the responsibility of church leaders to make sure that the doctrine taught at the pulpit is church doctrine and not anything that is different from church doctrine. You might scoff at this as a rejection of different views and viewpoints, but I just want to tell you, that to us, we believe our church doctrine is true, and anything different would not be accurate. To maybe give you a comparison, Muslims believe that there is only one God and that it is Allah. If I were to go to a mosque and stand up in one of their meetings and tell them that Jesus Christ is also a God, that would be very offensive to them. I would not have to say anything mean. I could simply just say that I believe Jesus Christ is a God as well. That would be rude and inappropriate even though I didn’t say anything involving name calling or other hurtful rhetoric.

The reason why I am pointing this out is because, whether or not there was a better way to handle the situation by church leaders, it wasn’t very respectful of our beliefs for someone to come to our fast and testimony meeting and tell us we are wrong in believing a doctrine that we believe. I am not saying that Savannah, at her young age, was spewing some kind of hate speech. As mentioned above she was courageous and vulnerable to come out to the congregation. What I do notice, though, is that her words were teaching the opposite of what my religion teaches in a meeting that is very special to us. That is the divide.

Understandably, she is twelve years old. For goodness sake, she is just a child. I’m not going to hold her innocent mistake or misunderstanding about how church meetings are governed and what is appropriate in a church fast and testimony meeting against her. I also acknowledge the pain that it most assuredly caused her when her microphone was turned off. I want to tell her that she is loved by God just the way she is. The reason I believe her story is important is because it portrays the relationship between the LGBTQ+ community and people like me and my religion. For example, my church owns Brigham Young University in Utah. There was a recent change to the honor code where the language used to read that it banned homosexual behavior but now it is changed to simply banning anything that violated the law of chastity. Many people took that as the church changing the rules at BYU to allow people to have romantic relationships even if they were homosexual relationships. The Church Education System then sent out a statement that the rules had not changed, just the phrasing. Many people, nationwide, were very angry and hurt and said that the church was not accepting LGBTQ+. There is even currently an attempt to prevent BYU from getting federal funds (which will includes FAFSA) even though the Church is subsidized mostly by Church funds. FAFSA only comes to poorer students who only have to pay the difference from what the Church pays. Taking that away from us (because I was a poor immigrant college kid) will most definitely feel like an attack. It will feel and be viewed that we were targeted because of our religious beliefs.

Many of you will thinking well that's not the intent or that's not what we are asking for. You are right, many of the LGBTQ+ community Are advocating specifically for protections from sexual abuse, or not being bullied. But many are advocating for is a change in BYU's Honor Code to allow same sex couples to openly date and be married while attending BYU or other religious institutions with similar beliefs. In those instances I can’t help but feel that what is being asked of me and my Church, is for my church to change its rules governing the law of chastity at its own school. Essentially, based on my religious beliefs, what you are asking me to do is to turn around and tell God that He is wrong or that His commandments don't apply at His school or institutions.

Some people of my faith will react to that request in a negative way and say well if you don’t want to live according to the rules, then don’t come to BYU. I find that to be a very counterproductive attitude because I want to welcome people to our school regardless of their background and their life. I would only ask that if you are coming to BYU or to be part of our church, to please be respectful and abide by those rules and commandments that we have been given. For example, BYU’s honor code bans drinking alcohol. That is based on our religious belief. So, if anyone wanted to come to BYU and drinks alcohol, I would expect them to respect that. Perhaps you might be thinking that drinking alcohol isn’t really part of someone’s personality or who they are and being LGBTQ+ is a part of who someone is. Okay, well following that line of the argument, one of the rules BYU bans is having premarital sex. We, as human beings, are sexual creatures. That is who we are and there are many people who believe that having sex with whom they love regardless of marital status is part of who they are. Knowing that, I would still ask that people set aside that part of them, even though it may be very hard for them, and abide by the rules of our religious schools if they were to attend. I would understand if they would not want to come to BYU and I would not think of them any less of them for not wanting to.

Now people in the LGBTQ+ community do point out that straight couples are disciplined less severely than LGBTQ+ couples when it comes to disciplinary action. The Church Education System did explain that the changes in the honor code were meant to be more in line with doctrinal principles found in the law of chastity, and that each disciplinary action is and should be case by case. I believe straight couples should be held accountable to any law of chastity principle just as much as anyone else and it is fair to ask that. I also believe it is important that we make sure mistreatment of the LGBTQ+ community be banned and taken seriously. Yet I do believe religious institutions and schools should be allowed to govern their institutions per their religious beliefs.

What I would ask of the LGBTQ+ community is to respect people’s religious beliefs, even if they are not yours or compatible with what you believe. When demanding change in a religious institution, investigate how church doctrine is decided. Some religions allow votes and democratic processes, so the appropriateness of advocating for a change in doctrinal teachings is appropriate. Some religions believe doctrine is set or eternal and given by God. Then in those cases be aware of what you are asking of folks in those religions. Requesting love and respect would always be appropriate but demanding or requesting a change in their beliefs would be offensive to them because you would be telling them to tell God to change His mind. That would not be appropriate. What should you do in that case? Love them. Even if they don’t show respect or kindness to you. Love is always the answer. That is a huge ask, but it's the only way that will allow love to win.

You might be telling yourself that one must demand a full change in a religion like mine. But sometimes the end goal should not be that the opposing side completely changes their religious belief but that they grow in mutual respect and love for each other even if they disagree. My friend who is part of the LGBTQ+ community explained this to me and gave me permission to share her thoughts on the topic. “I think over the years the church has been more publicly open about acknowledging the LGBTQ+ community and making us feel more loved. Having grown up in the Gospel, it was really hard to come out and to make the decision of choosing temporary happiness over eternal. Just so I could experience a glimpse of happiness on earth and have a family of my own even if in the after life I didn't. We all need to understand that there are some things we cannot change. Trust me when I say nothing and I mean absolutely nothing would make me more happy than to kneel down at the temple and to be sealed to my amazing partner. She's even mentioned how she would love to be Mormon because I still live by the same standards. But, we cannot. We accept that. That is the Gospel. And I think that's where we fall short in the LGBTQ+ Community. We want equality in everything. But, there are certain things that cannot change… I would never bash the Gospel. But, I have also chosen my own path of life. I am happy and I'm still spiritual. And I wish both communities would show more love and care and especially understanding with each other.”

To both sides of this issue I would remind everyone that if we can love each other despite the differences there is hope for a better tomorrow. Demanding that the opposing side be in step with one's own personal beliefs is the wrong approach. I have fostered wonderful relationships and friendships with people of the LGBTQ+ community. I can unequivocally say that I love them and they are part of God’s family. I believe my friends love me even if we disagree on certain issues. This is possible folks and loving each other despite our differences is worth it. If you are reading this, remember it all starts when you decide to step up and love, because civility begins with you and me.